My Life... with a disfiguration...
I was born in 1985 here in Syracuse, NY. I had, what my mother calls, "calcium on the brain." To this day, I still cannot get her to tell me what was wrong with me when I was born. I was the only child of my mother at the time, so I really didn't have to worry about brothers and sisters bugging me about it. But, my mother met someone who cared about both my mothers health, and mine. He was 'kind" enough to take me to Boston every three months for intense laser surgery. I was only 3 at the time, but nonetheless... I remember every single treatment I ever had... so many I can't even remember now. I was pinned down into a chair on my mother's lap... with a group of doctors holding goggles over my eyes and shoving Valium down my throat, which was in liquid form and tasted discusting to a sugar-loving 3-year old. After every single treatment, I remember feeling like... 'yea... you torture me and then apologize profusely with sugar and hugs.' As I got older, my father wasn't allowed to come into the 'laser room' with me, but my mother always did. I remember I'd get so nervous... I would throw up before every surgery. I think that is what caused my nervous/anxiety attacks that I still have today.
When I was 8, a doctor who did the laser surgery with the flashlamp-pumped pulsed dye laser (which left me with horrible purple dots on my face for about 6-weeks) came to University Hospital here in Syracuse. Oh yay... so I got to go get these treatments more frequently, and more intense. They increased the power of the laser by 1/2 a setting each 2 visits, which caused me to scar. So basically, I am an over-weight 17-year old with a large red/pink birthmark on her face with scars on it. I didn't even begin the social problems yet...
Elementary school... is always cruel to anyone who is different. I was excluded comepletely. Even my teachers would not socialize with me. My mother even complained about my 3rd grade teacher calling me an 'ulgy disfigured waste of God's precious human flesh.' No one in school would touch any part of me... besides the nurse who knew what the heck was on my face. As I got older, I gained more weight because I became depressed because of the social torture I went through. I became a professional with cover-up makeup. I learned to hide it. Middle school was fine for the first few months, until one day I decided not to wear my 4 layers of cover-up. I was immediately disowmed. I dropped out of the band, and I became the anti-social witch no one liked. I never had any boyfriends in middle school, and honestly that was a good thing.
Highschool was not so bad... but still. I was secluded. I did meet friends, but they were not true friends. I noticed... that none of them ever, EVER, EVER looked me in the face when they talked to me. Eventually, a fight broke out, and they all turned on me, calling me (ironically) a 'ugly, disfigured waste of God's precious human flesh,' just like my 3rd grade teacher did. I disowned them, and I was an outcast until I met my friend Chris in mid-sophomore year. He saved me from suicide, and showed me life could be cool. He introduced me to my now best friend, Darcy, who has shown me that beauty really is on the inside. And she introduced me to the love of my life, Jason... who is also my best friend of almost 4 years. All my friends that I have now look me in the face when they talk to me, and they actually care about me.
I stopped the laser surgery when I was 12 years old. My reasoning was that they hurt way too much (with anesthetic!) and it was causing too much social and mental anxiety. The social anxiety is gone, but I still have nightmares about the darkness under those goggles.
I have never told this story to anyone before, and it feels good to let it out.
From:
Allison D'Avirro - lilfroggyally1010@hotmail.com
